


Healing, Or Something Like It

by phoenixquest



Series: William Hawke and Anders [3]
Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, M/M, not really a ship yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 14:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4610391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixquest/pseuds/phoenixquest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William Hawke returns from the Deep Roads expedition. After losing his sister to the Taint, he can't face going home, and there's only one place he can think to go: Anders' clinic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Healing, Or Something Like It

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know, how could I do this to Bethany? Gah! But it's the only way that made sense in William's universe, so here we are. At least William's got a good friend like Anders (who totally isn't already falling for him or anything, nope, no siree!)

Anders rolled over again, curled up more tightly, and sighed. He was restless, and the blasted cold didn’t help. It was _freezing_ in Darktown tonight; not that it tended to be warm, except in the height of summer. Despite the warmth of William’s old blanket (which the rogue had insisted he keep, refusing to hear an argument against it), Anders still couldn’t get comfortable.

It didn’t help that he was becoming worried about the rogue. The expedition party had left several weeks before, and Anders had heard rumors that Bartrand, at least, had returned already. It _was_ possible William had returned, and just hadn’t felt like telling Anders. That thought tended to hurt, so he always pushed it aside. But then, Bethany at least would’ve come to the clinic, wouldn’t she? She wouldn’t just _stop_ helping him.

The mage huffed to himself, the noise almost silent in the still darkness of his clinic. What was the point in trying to sleep, he wondered, if his mind wouldn’t shut up to let him _do_ it?

A sudden noise made him jump – it wasn’t terribly loud, but in his quiet surroundings it startled him all the same. The sound came again, and he realized someone was knocking – very halfheartedly – at his clinic door.

“Anders?” a hollow, quiet, shaky voice called. Anders debated – it wasn’t likely to be anyone malicious, not if they were knocking. The clinic was supposed to be closed, but if he wasn’t sleeping anyway, he might as well help whoever had gotten injured this time.

“Anders, please,” the voice came again, sounding desperate. “Please…”

Anders got to his feet then, slipping on his boots. He thought there was something familiar about the voice, but he couldn’t be expected to know what all his patients sounded like in the dead of night.

“I’m coming, just a moment,” he called toward the door as he came out into the main area. He hurried to the door and unlocked it, opening it to find, to his great surprise, William Hawke. “William?”

“Anders,” the rogue said, and Anders was immediately concerned. His voice was rough, still hollow, and pain was etched into every bit of his face. “Thank – thank the Maker.”

“William, what’s the matter?” Anders asked urgently. “What happened? Where are you hurt?”

“I – I’m not,” William answered, voice quavering. He was visibly trembling. “Can I…come in?”

“Of course,” Anders said, standing aside and letting the rogue pass. He shut the door behind him, latching it again. “You’re shaking,” he said, taking the rogue firmly by the arm. “You need to lie down. Are you sure you’re not injured? What about the others? Are they all right?”

William’s face crumpled, and he choked out a sob, burying his face in his hands. Anders’ stomach sank; he’d never seen the rogue like this before. He put his arm around William’s shoulders and guided the man back through to his own bed. He sat down with the rogue, keeping his arm around him comfortingly.

“What happened?” he asked gently. “Tell me, William. Please.”

“Bethany,” William choked out, leaning into Anders’ chest. “She didn’t make it back.” At this, the rogue broke down completely, sobs wracking his body.

“Oh, William,” Anders murmured, wrapping his arms around the man. “I’m so sorry.” He wondered what could have happened to the younger girl – she was a talented mage and he knew William would’ve done all he could to keep her safe.

Anders was upset to hear the news – the girl had been truly sweet, always kind and ready to help. She was even understanding about Justice, when so few – _particularly_ other mages – would be. It didn’t seem fair at all that she should’ve been lost so young.

“My fault,” William wept, clutching at Anders’ robe. “All my fault.”

“Shh,” Anders soothed, stroking the man’s hair, hurting for him. He wished he could do more. “What happened to her?”

“Taint,” William managed. “I…I had to kill her. I _k-killed_ …my little _sister_ …” he fell into inconsolable wails of despair. Anders’ chest tightened, and he felt sick. What a terrible fate.

“Shh, William, it’s all right,” he said, his voice rough as he tried to keep the grief out of it for the rogue’s sake. “It wasn’t your fault. You had to do it.” Not that the fact made it any easier.

_He needs healing._

The thought occurred to the mage without him thinking it himself, and he was momentarily puzzled. He quickly understood, though – Justice was feeling confused, somewhere in the back of his mind. This man was clearly in pain; why weren’t they healing him?

 _It isn’t like that,_ he thought, trying to make the spirit understand. He couldn’t think how to explain the concept of grief to Justice, especially not without words. The spirit’s confusion only grew. Reluctantly, Anders called up memories of Karl, of what had happened in the Chantry, and then thought about Bethany, remembering her helping around the clinic. Justice’s confusion quieted momentarily, and Anders thought maybe he’d understood.

_This is unjust._

The thought was filled with anger this time.

_She was a mage, like Karl. She was killed. This is unjust!_

_It’s not the same thing,_ Anders countered desperately, fighting his own thoughts that weren’t entirely his own. He tried to assure Justice that this had been, for lack of a better word, an accident – no malice was intended. He couldn’t really disagree with the injustice of her death, but this wasn’t one they could fight against.

Justice didn’t agree with that assessment, however, and Anders noticed the cracks of blue starting to break through on his arms as he felt Justice’s essence trying to come forward, to take over.

“No,” he refused firmly, not considering that he would startle the rogue in his arms. William pulled back with a small gasp for breath, blinking in confusion for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” William said thickly, bringing a hesitant finger up to gently touch one of the blue cracks. “I didn’t mean to anger you.”

“You haven’t,” Anders assured him, fighting with Justice and hating that William had to see this right now, the worst of him. The last thing he wanted was to upset the rogue further. The spirit finally acquiesced, retreating so the blue glow faded, still confused but less angry. “Sorry about that. Don’t worry; everything’s fine.”

“Your spirit is angry with me,” William mumbled, voice still choked with tears. Anders was surprised the man didn’t pull away from him; he’d assumed the glowing blue cracks would have frightened him off, but the rogue was still clinging to him, a tentative finger still on the place where the blue had disappeared.

“Not exactly,” Anders tried to explain. “He…he liked Bethany as well. Appreciated her. He is angry that she was killed.”

“By me,” William sniffled. “By her own _brother_. Maker, what have I _done_? I didn’t mean it to happen this way, Justice,” he forced out, his voice almost a whimper as he talked to the spot where the crack had appeared, unsure how to address the spirit but doing his best. “I didn’t mean it!”

Justice seemed to understand, somehow, and Anders felt a wave of remorse roll through him.

“He knows,” Anders assured the devastated man, moving to stroke his hair again. “ _We_ know. There was nothing you could’ve done, William.” He squeezed the man tighter. “I know it doesn’t change anything. But it was all that could be done. You ended it before the Taint consumed her; it was a mercy, I promise you.” He held the man a little while longer, the shaking sobs finally beginning to subside after a bit.

He _wished_ he could heal him; he wished very much that he could take the hurt away. William Hawke was a good man, and he didn’t deserve this pain.

“Maker’s breath,” William finally croaked out, still sniffling slightly. “I – sorry. I just meant to come tell you I was back. I didn’t mean to…lay all this on you.”

“It’s fine,” Anders assured him gently. “Please don’t worry about that. I only wish there was something I could do. I’m so sorry about what happened.” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Why _did_ you come here, anyway? Why not go home first?”

“I promised,” William murmured, pulling back from the mage, his eyes still haunted. “Remember? I said you’d be the first I told when I came back.” Anders gave him a small smile, brushing a little of the man’s hair out of his face with gentle fingers.

“You didn’t have to come exactly then,” he said, though he felt a kind of warmth that the rogue had wanted so badly to keep his promise. “You could’ve slept. Told your mother.” William’s face darkened and he turned away, pulling farther from the mage.

“She’ll kill me,” he croaked, staring at the floor. Anders was quiet – he didn’t know what to say to that. “I… _am_ sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you in the middle of the night. I…should go.”

“No, William, wait,” Anders said hurriedly, taking the man’s arm as he tried to get up. “Please. That’s not what I meant. I was surprised, that’s all.” He blew out a breath. “You were here for me after…Karl. I can at least be here for you now.” William looked at the mage for a moment, his eyes swollen and red, the look on his face one of pure despair.

“That’s right,” he said softly. “You…you’ve done this before.”

“Well, it wasn’t my sibling,” Anders said, rubbing William’s arm. “But…yes.”

“How can something hurt this much?” William asked miserably. “I feel like it’s tearing me to pieces. I know I already lost Carver, but…”

“That was in a battle,” Anders reminded him, remembering the story. “And you weren’t the one who had to do it.”

“Does it stop?” William asked, his voice almost begging. “It can’t hurt like this forever, can it?”

“No,” Anders agreed, and he pulled the man back for a brief hug. “Not forever. It gets a little easier. You’ll feel like you can breathe again without your chest exploding.” It was easier to talk about than he’d imagined, really; William’s grief seemed to help his own. He paused, then went on teasingly, “It helps to have a friend around, making bad jokes and dragging you out to fight slavers and mercenaries every few hours.” William managed a tiny smile.

“I don’t want to go home,” William murmured, his voice so soft it could barely be heard. “Mother is going to be furious.”

“It will be all right,” Anders said, and took the man’s hand, holding it tightly and rubbing a thumb over his fingers. “She’ll understand. You told me Aveline’s husband was Tainted while you were on the run, right? She saw what happened.”

“It doesn’t matter,” William said, grateful for the mage’s touch and leaning into him again. “She blamed me for Carver, and this is _much_ more my fault. She begged me…” his voice broke again, but he carried on. “She begged me to let Beth stay. She wasn’t even worried about _me_ , just Bethany. I should’ve…I should’ve made her stay back. But she wanted to come, and how could I deny her?” He broke off his babbling with a pained sigh. “It’s all my fault.”

“No, William, it isn’t,” Anders said firmly, stroking the rogue’s hair, trying to give what comfort he could. “You couldn’t have known this would happen.” He ached for William – he knew the feeling of overwhelming guilt all too well. “Listen. Why don’t you stay here tonight, at the clinic?” He said it without thinking, only realizing after that it sounded silly. But he couldn’t back out of it now.

“I – really?” William asked, nuzzling against Anders. The movement sent a warm shiver of pleasure through the mage, but he tried to ignore it. The man just needed comfort – he could give him that without making it awkward!

“If you’d like to,” Anders said, his voice breathier than he would’ve liked. “You’re not in any shape to get home, anyway, and there isn’t a lot to be gained from waking your mother in the middle of the night to tell her Bethany’s g-gone.” It was difficult for him to get the words out, hating that they were true. “And I have the feeling you’d rather not be alone.”

“You’re right about that,” William mumbled. “You’re a very good friend, Anders.”

 _A_ good _friend would’ve gone to the Deep Roads when he asked, instead of leaving him having to take the only other healer he knew_ , a vicious voice in his mind snarled. It wasn’t Justice, just his own guilt, and he shoved it angrily aside. There wasn’t anything to be done about that now.

“You’ve been quite a good friend to _me_ ,” Anders informed him. “Seems fair I ought to repay you.”

“You really don’t mind me staying here?”

“I won’t even make you sleep sitting on the floor this time,” Anders said, attempting humor. The slight smile William gave him told him it had worked, at least a little.

“I’ll find a cot, shall I?” William asked, pulling back and rubbing at his face. “Maker, I’m a mess.”

“You’re allowed to be,” Anders said, squeezing the man’s hand a final time. “But here. Sleep on this one,” he added, gesturing to his own cot. It was, at least, back out of the way of the rest of the clinic.

“I’m not putting you out of your own bed,” William protested, shaking his head.

“Then join me in it,” Anders blurted out, taking a moment to realize what he’d said. He reddened, his mouth falling open as he stared at William. The rogue looked surprised, but just a tiny bit amused. “I’m sorry. That sounded terrible. I didn’t mean – I don’t – “

“It’s all right,” William said, shaking his head, the corners of his lips turning up. “Good to know I’m not the only one who does that.”

“I just meant,” Anders said slowly, trying to control his embarrassment, “this one has room. And you…you stayed by me all night, when I really needed a friend. You deserve at least that much. Besides,” he added, forcing his tone to be lighter even as his cheeks still burned, “it’s Maker-damned cold in here tonight.”

“True,” William nodded, sighing tiredly. “Well, if you don’t mind me invading, then…I’d be really grateful to have you nearby.” He sounded slightly shy somehow at the admission; the mage found it rather endearing.

“I don’t mind,” Anders assured him, his heart speeding up a bit. He felt the disapproval from Justice – not for the offer to share the bed, he knew, but for his more intimate thoughts toward the rogue.

 _Well, it doesn’t matter_ , he thought firmly, trying to make sure Justice understood. _He’s a friend, and he needs company. Think of it like healing._

Justice didn’t push; he could tell the spirit still wasn’t happy about it, but he wasn’t going to stop it. It was good enough.

William kicked off his boots, and the two settled onto the cot. There wasn’t a lot of room to give, but Anders tried not to crowd the rogue; it was awkward enough without that. William, it seemed, wanted nothing to do with that. He snuggled right into Anders’ chest, clinging to him.

Anders swallowed hard, trying to calm his racing heart as he put his arm around William.

He was doomed.

*****

Anders was the first to wake the next morning, momentarily surprised to find the rogue draped over him. His heart leapt at the feeling; try as he might, he didn’t seem able to push past his feelings for the kind man. He knew he needed to get up, get things ready for his day, and open up the clinic.

He couldn’t quite make himself wake William, though. And the way the man was clinging to him, it was impossible to move without doing so.

The mage let himself enjoy the moment, hating himself a little all the while. This wasn’t right; William wasn’t his to have this pleasure with, and the rogue deserved better _anyway_. But a small part of him couldn’t help wanting to shout for joy at having the man in his arms.

Just as he was contemplating using a sleep spell on William so he could move without waking him, the rogue stirred. He squeezed Anders tightly for a moment, and the mage’s heart flip-flopped. The kindness, the intimacy – it was something he hadn’t felt in so very long.

“Morning,” he said, struggling to keep his voice steady. “How’re you feeling?” He felt the rogue sigh.

“Not great,” William admitted, his voice quite rough. “My head’s throbbing.” Anders had the sudden urge to kiss the man’s head; he forced it down.

“Let me up,” he said instead, pushing gently at William. The rogue reluctantly rolled away, freeing Anders. He immediately missed the touch, but forced himself to focus, getting up and going over to his shelves. It only took a moment for him to find the potion that would ease William’s aches; the physical ones, at least, even if he could do nothing for the emotional ones.

“I’m…sorry,” William said as Anders returned to the bed. “For imposing last night.”

“Don’t be,” Anders said, giving the rogue a reassuring smile. “You didn’t impose. I’m glad you came. Here,” he added, opening the potion and holding it out to William. “Should help your head and everything.” William took it, drinking it down gratefully.

“Thanks,” he said, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back to the pillow. “I promise I’ll leave soon. I won’t get in your way.”

“No, no,” Anders replied quickly. “It’s all right. Take all the time you need.” He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to brush a bit of William’s hair off his forehead, letting a bit of magic flow through his fingertips as he did so.

“Maker,” Hawke murmured, sounding almost tearful again. “Thank you, Anders.”

“That’s what a healer’s for,” Anders said, trying to sound cheerful. He was staring at the rogue’s face, mesmerized by it for reasons he couldn’t really articulate. A moment later, William’s eyes opened, tears filling them almost immediately. He reached up to grasp Anders’ hand, clutching it tightly.

“I have to tell Mother,” he whispered roughly. “How…how can I tell her…” he broke off, choking back a sob.

“It’ll be all right,” Anders soothed, though he knew it wouldn’t; how _could_ it be all right? The woman’s only remaining child was about to tell her that her daughter was dead.

It wasn’t fair at all. But he didn’t know what else to say.

“She’s going to hate me,” William whimpered, clearly trying not to break down again. “She’ll never forgive me.”

“Yes, she will,” Anders said firmly, though he had no idea if it was true. He didn’t know Leandra Hawke that well. But surely she _would_ , he thought. She was his mother, after all. “And she’s not going to hate you. And you shouldn’t, either,” he added, looking the man in the eye now. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Thanks,” Hawke sniffled, clearly not believing him. “I…suppose I better get it over with.”

“It isn’t going to get any easier,” Anders agreed, squeezing the man’s shoulder. William got up, straightened out his clothes, and tugged on his boots.

“Thank you,” he said once again. “For everything. I – it meant a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome,” Anders said sincerely. “And – if things do go…badly.” He cleared his throat, feeling awkward at suggesting it when he’d just said everything would be fine. “Or…whatever. My door is open to you. No matter what.” William looked at him for a moment, seeming unsure what to say, before he finally spoke.

“Even if it’s the middle of the night and I’m waking you up?” he asked with the smallest of smirks. Anders laughed.

“Even then,” he assured the man. “If you need me…I’ll be here.” William paused for a moment once more before stepping toward the mage, pulling him into a tight embrace.

“You’re an amazing man, Anders,” he said firmly. “Don’t forget that.” With those words, he pulled back, steeled himself, and walked away. “And I’ll remember the offer,” he called over his shoulder as he reached the door.

Anders stood, watching him go; that hadn’t been the reaction he’d expected at all, but he hadn’t wanted to let the man go. There was something in that hug, something intense, something that made his insides turn to jelly and his knees want to buckle.

 _Distraction_.

He knew it was. But he wasn’t entirely sure he could make himself continue to care.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments & kudos make my life!


End file.
